Rambling

Monday ~ I spent most of the evening hours last night on the couch thanks in part to our new little fur baby ball of joy from hell and partially due to my husband’s snoring.  Rebel, aka $hitbird, is living up to his name already.  We’ve had so many dogs over the years I’m a novice when it comes to the early puppy stages and normally take this stage in stride.  But this little guy’s up all night antics, limitless, over zealous energy and never ending “puppy surprises” on my floors is testing my patience, sanity, and carpets.  Thanks little guy for stirring up the entire house of dogs in the midnight hour.  How is my sister dealing with this on a nightly basis with her new baby?  I haven’t dealt with this for years and I am not a fan of this guy right now!  He looks so cute and peaceful now at 3am passed out on the love seat after I gave in, springing him from the prison of his kennel HOURS after the crying refused to cease.  I never give in normally at night so apparently we are all rebelling against the norm right now.  I’m now camped out in the living room next to another dog whose horrendous farts from apparently eating cow manure all day is gagging me and making my eyes water.  My lack of sleep has me contemplating smothering my husband with his pillow since he is sleeping so soundly in our bedroom oblivious to what’s been going on in the darkness.

My stomach is churning from snacking overloading on a bag of Halloween candy that was intended for Babylon but instead was eaten inhaled in almost it’s entirety over the weekend.  Damn you mini Snickers, Twix bars and M&M’s I quietly shout to the ceiling with my fist raised.  You’d think staring in the mirror at the few 30 extra pounds I’ve packed on and squeezing stuffing myself into my ever shrinking clothes would compel me to keep my hand out of the candy dish.  I’m mentally pointing the blame at Wal-Mart for stocking the candy right by the door as you walk in.  On top of my self-induced stomach ache, my under worked muscles are torturing me for all this extra weight I’m carrying around.  A Sunday afternoon filled with hauling and stacking fire wood in preparation for winter has reminded me my right knee IS probably going to buckle and go out some day in the near future, most likely at a time that is not convenient.  My back aches in a taunting way, proclaiming “you are no spring chicken any more lady”.  Come on weathered couch cushions, give me just a little relief tonight! 

Now that I’m fully awake thanks to the puppy, the dog fart stench, upset stomach and painful muscle fatigue my mind is reliving conversations on a constant repeat.  In no particular order I drift from church secretarial responsibilities I still have to get done ASAP, do we have enough milk in the fridge, contemplating what clothes if any I’ll be able to fit into this week, did I remember to stick the checks for our bills in the mailbox on Friday, is that a predator the water softener I hear recharging in the basement, does my hubby have clean clothes to wear when he awakes from the restful night he’s enjoying, will my daughter ever come back home to get the help she needs, etc, etc, etc…..

I already hear the roosters outside crowing and sleep is not coming.  I catch up on the news, Pinterest, Instagram and the world of Facebook on my phone all in less than 3o minutes and resort to my ever faithful Grey’s Anatomy reruns on the DVR that I hope will knock me out for a few hours moments of shut eye.

A short time later and my alarm is going off in the darkness of the living room and my head is already pounding.  Ugh!

Oh hey there little Rebel with your puppy eyes and puppy kisses…so glad you are once again wide awake and raring to play.  I wonder to myself if the love seat cushion would fit in the kennel so I can sleep tonight?  Please no, no, NO……we make a run for the kitchen door together before a puppy surprise appears on my floor.

     An hour later it’s 7:09am and I’m already a hot mess running behind and running on empty as I load up the vehicle in the driveway.  The two cups of coffee I’ve chugged down are not putting even a dent in this heavy morning fog from a sleepless night.  I’m drained and haven’t even started the day.  I look down and notice my gas gauge is close to running on empty as well.  What the…..didn’t I JUST fill this ole girl up a couple days ago?  I’m hoping my tired eyes are deceiving me because I am NOT stopping on the way to Babylon no matter what.  

This is not how I envisioned the start to another week but I’m trying to remember to stop dwelling on unrealistic expectations.

As I head out towards Babylon my “bad” kidney is radiating out extreme pain reminding me I drank way too much of my own sweet tea concoction this weekend and am not getting enough sleep that I require to stay healthy.  Drink more water, drink more water is the chant in my head as I tightly grip the caffeine infused coffee mug in my hand instead.  I convince myself I will not get sick as I truly don’t have time for that right now.

Right before I pull onto what’s considered more of a “main” road out in our neck of the woods I see a beam of light flash in my side mirror.  As I glance over I mentally beat myself up AGAIN, remembering I’m supposed to be slowing down and enjoying life so I stop and put the vehicle in park even though I know I’m running late and watch the sun come up.  This view reminds my tired eyes and mind that stopping and looking back isn’t always such a bad thing.

Tuesday ~ I hear the wind and rain beating against our house before my eyes have even opened this morning.  I almost forgot what it sounds like since we haven’t experienced much rain since the beginning of summer when it was almost a non-stop daily occurrence.  I’m thankful my kidney pain has decided to subside temporarily and my sore body and muscles aren’t screaming as loudly as I sit on the side of our bed.  I drag myself to the bathroom where I begin a ritual of lying on the shower floor in the fetal position being pelted by a torrent of extremely hot water.  This routine has been going on for awhile years but still causes my husband to scratch his head and some days to stand over the top of me staring in confusion at the grown crazy woman trying to catch more zzz’s under the mist of fog and steam enveloping the bathroom.    

I convince my husband to take care of all my animal chores since it’s raining pouring and make him a to-do list for the dogs since they aren’t going to cooperate with this rain either.  THREE puppy surprises later (come on Rebel…give me and the carpets a break!!!) and I survey the estate of our house as I’m running out the door on schedule almost on schedule for day two of the week.  It’s only taken one night of being gone trying to wrestle down a few of the neighbors cute hissing, biting barn kittens for things to become such a disarray already. Who knew the previous night’s adventure of picking up a few kittens would consume an extended period of our time, require leather gloves, a cat whisperer and the need for a hockey mask that we didn’t have.  In the end we only could catch ONE of those little buggers to bring home.  They’re just tiny kittens but it was more like trying to catch a herd of wild cattle.  I chuckle remembering the circus from the night before and pray the lone victim we actually made it home with is still in our barn trying to make new friends with the other zoo inhabitants out there.    

The dishes have piled above the rim of the sink, the dishwasher is full, the garbage is overflowing, and the mounds of dirty laundry scattered everywhere have seemed to multiply rather quickly since just Sunday.  I can’t comprehend how there are two less people living in this house and yet the mess has never gotten smaller.  I make a mental promise to myself that it’ll all get cleaned up tonight.  It’s only because of my husband that I have enough gas to make it to work with no stops this morning in the rain.  He knows my procrastinating ways so well.  God bless him for putting up with me.

Wednesday ~ I’m staring at the coffee canister in the early morning darkness of the kitchen.  I’m double checking I didn’t accidentally buy decaf because I swear this once magical, powerful delicious drink has stopped working this week.  What day is it I ask my husband?  I swear it should be atleast Thursday if not Friday by now.  Did he just say Wednesday?  Only Wednesday?    

It’s raining again and the dogs are giving me evil eyes as I lie to them about how cold and wet it really is before I start the rotation of shoving the six that slept in the house out the door.  Good luck my furry friends and please stop staring at me through the windows.  I don’t want to go out there either and the last two mornings have reassured me that I am in no way shape or form ready for winter to be headed this way.  Ahem…except for the usual winter weight…I am WAY ahead in that department this year.

I stand in my closet staring at my clothes for way longer than I have time for.  It’s a game of Russian Roulette picking out something to wear these days.  I swear I hear each item of clothing laughing and mocking me as I flip through the hangers.  Black pants, black sweater, some random shirt of color.  It’s the same thing every day I don’t know why I stand there so long pretending something amazing is going to jump out at me.  I’ve been telling my husband for weeks months that this extra weight and Kardashian like booty I’ve acquired is in this year.  I make another mental promise that I WILL start working out again and soon than laugh hysterically to myself.

Before I head out the door I grumble to my husband that I hope my NEXT husband has a garage or atleast is old fashioned enough to bring my car up to the door so I don’t have to get wind whipped and soaked by the rain.  I’m such a peach grouch to live with in the mornings.  He strolls into the kitchen looking through the window at my vehicle literally parked only 15 feet away and reminds me I need the exercise.  Seriously…does he have to remember every little thing I say all the time?    

It’s 7:12am and I’m still sitting in my vehicle really running behind now.  Thanks be to God for my hubby who filled my gas tank up completely last night so I don’t have to do it this morning.  I’m making a mental checklist of everything I lugged out to the vehicle making sure I haven’t forgotten anything since I’m still half asleep.  Phone, purse, coat and all my chargers….check, check, check and check.  Where is my make-up bag?  I glance in the backseat and see all of the mail for the church still sitting there in a huge pile with no postage.  Crap…another mental note is made as I’m cussing my lack of remembrance of yet another task on my to-do list.  I don’t even know where my to-do list is at this week so I shouldn’t be shocked at what I’m seeing.  I’m still not locating the make-up I hate putting on but need to look presentable human.  Oh wait, I see it in the darkness…it’s fallen on the floor and spilled it’s contents across the passenger side floor board.  That’s how I feel this week as well…scattered all over the place.

My house is still a total disaster, at least in my eyes, although I did manage to start the dishwasher at some point and wash a load of laundry last night…shoot, it’s still in the washer.  I gave up my evening plans and intentions of tackling the chaos doing nothing so we could spend time with our son before he heads out to Virginia for work.  Normally I don’t want to ever leave the house once I’ve made my way back home in the evenings because you know…there’s people out there and it usually sends my anxiety into a downward spiral.  But I’m trying to be vigilant in changing my routine when those quality memory making moments in life pop up.  It’s what I’ve asked the Lord to help me with.  I can’t expect Him to help me and work miracles if I’m not willing to make the changes and effort on my own end.   

The unexpected change of plans was worth it and I’m content with letting the mess in the house sit for another day.

        Thursday ~  I slept through the night last night and so did Rebel!  Hip, Hip, Hooray!!!  It was chilly freezing out when I loaded up to head to Babylon but after a night of peaceful slumber I don’t even care!  My winter clothes fit better then what I’ve been trying to look cute in anyway.  One day closer to Friday so I actually have a little pep in my step this morning.  Ok…I was still running behind like normal but atleast I’m not kicking myself for it and I took time to check out the huge moon on the drive in!

I did remember today was my sister’s birthday which honestly was my main goal for the day.  I was terrified I would forget in my pre-dementia state these days.  (the envelopes that need mailed are STILL in the backseat of my vehicle….ugh!)  Now I just have to remember to get both of my sisters birthday presents to them before it’s Christmas and I have to say “sorry, I keep forgetting” for the millionth time to them.  Luckily they know me and know exactly how I am.  They love me anyway!

The day in Babylon came and went and I walk in the house greeted by the words “you’re not going to be happy about this”.  No one jumps for joy at those words and I hear them a lot with a puppy in our midst.  Of course it had to do with Rebel and all his antics right now and more puppy surprises.

 The most exciting part of the day, pathetically, was when we located the cute evil kitten we got from the neighbors.  My husband “said” he searched for it in the barn all week but couldn’t find it and hadn’t seen it anywhere.  However tonight when I walked in the barn and said the simple word “kitty” it immediately started crying from it’s hiding spot.  Atleast I don’t have to tell the neighbors it already escaped off the grid out here at the zoo because I really want more from them.

No new Grey’s Anatomy on the TV tonight?  WHAT?  Darn you Charlie Brown and your great pumpkin patch.  I guess that means I actually do have to tackle the cleaning tonight.    

 Friday ~ Glorious, glorious Friday…..it feels like it’s been so long since I’ve seen you!  Like normal on Fridays I don’t care what I’m wearing, it doesn’t bother me there are puppy surprises all over this morning, don’t care I’m running late AGAIN, doesn’t bother me we will be short staffed in Babylon and it will most likely be a nonstop, maddening day.  I’m just looking forward to the prison release at 5pm!!! 

It was a crazy work day as expected and my kidney throbbed most of the day to remind me it’s still there and I’d better be careful.  I forgot the milk on the drive home, but managed to clean up most of the house in record time and being the wonderful wife I am I threw in a frozen pizza and DIDN’T burn it which is a miracle itself.

I haven’t physically seen the new kitty again and it seems to hate the sound of my husband’s voice.  But I hear it alive hiding in a pile of boards in the barn when I checked on it.  Can’t wait to be bloodied this weekend while trying to catch the adorable ferocious thing.  Who am I kidding?  I’ll be lucky to get my more pressing responsibilities done, the kitty will have to make do on it’s own in the zoo.

I glance through the window and see my husband outside cleaning up leaves in the yard and starting a fire.  A hundred excuses race through my mind, beckoning me back to my to-do lists for the weekend.  Instead I throw a coat on and take a few moments to go outside and be with him and watch the fire.   

I’m searching through the fridge to make myself a sandwich when Tom mentions to me to not eat the ham because it tasted funny to him today.  I assure him I just bought it and he’s fine as I rummage through the drawer of the crisper.  I tried locating the faded expiration date and than grab the turkey package checking them both over.  Hm…this will be interesting.  I’m trying not to laugh as I tell him not to worry but he may want to go make himself throw up.  I keep forgetting we have two less people here and I need to clean the fridge out a whole lot more.  For years I was never able to keep it full and now it’s stacked full six out of seven days with leftovers and out dated items.  Hopefully my husband feels fine the rest of the night even though he was gagging as I told him the expiration date on the ham.  I asked if he was having the meat sweats….what else can I honestly say at this point after possibly poisoning him?  I’m glad I took the time to hang out him by the fire earlier in a moment of peace and blissfulness in case he’s up all night sick and cussing my domestic goddess skills.

The Weekend  ~ This little diddy I saw on Facebook couldn’t be more true of  how I feel on Saturdays.  The struggle is real for many of us and I couldn’t have said it better even though I know it’s unrealistic.

Thanks to all the puppy surprises over the last month I’ve been testing out different products to clean up these little messes because I can’t give up hours every evening once a month to shampoo carpets.  I love all the Resolve products and they normally work instantly but this moist powder crap does NOT.  After trying it I realized quickly it was a waste of money and my time.  The powder leaves the illusion it is working while you are scrubbing it in but once you vacuum it up you are left with the same stains.  Don’t waste your time or money on it if you see it in the store.

Although Rebel is doing great when it comes to learning how to sit and is kennel trained we are still working on some issues.  Not only does his name fit him but he is teaching bad habits to our last puppy who just passed the one year mark a couple months ago and WAS trained but has decided being a puppy again is so much more fun.  We are I am crazy for thinking we could add another to the wild pack.  It is almost impossible to cook without one or two dogs hovering between my legs waiting for any morsel of human food to accidentally drop on the floor but I’ve gotten used to it the last few years.  With one more around there’s four I’m tripping over now and the words “move it” are on constant repeat when I’m in the kitchen trying to maneuver around.  Come on guys, mama has a bad knee and cannot do these gymnastics over you!  I’m got a parade following me at all times, I’m breaking up fights as they continue to work out their pecking order now that Rebel is staying, and I’m no longer able to go to the bathroom alone.  They are all still my preferred therapy method though so I should stop my complaining!    

With no little ones in the house any more and no trick-or-treaters that come to our place off the grid we spent a little time at my sister’s to see the nieces and nephews!  And I remembered the Birthday presents!!  Don’t worry like normal I forgot the Halloween stuff I bought instead!  Seriously!  After spending the day with me running errands and getting things accomplished inside due to the cold, relentless rain my husband is FULLY aware that Alzheimer’s is probably in my future.  My once organized ways and days have still not returned.  I forgot my much needed shopping lists, a set of keys, and many other things which is the norm for me.  I laugh and tell him he has no idea how bad I really am.  He’s lucky I remember to feed him although I never seem to forget to feed all the animals.  Funny how that works.  One step at a time, one day at a time.

 

 

Time Change ~ I woke up at 2:01am Sunday morning and my mind was confused about what time it actually was and my kidney seemed confused as well.  Why is it not understanding I don’t have time for that old ache and pain to be back?  I thought I talked it down a few days ago on my drive to work but apparently it was a one sided conversation.   The time change must have the roosters out of sync also as this guy spent Sunday afternoon crowing nonstop outside the kitchen window.  

It was only by the grace of God and the help of my hubby that I was able to get everything accomplished this weekend that REALLY needed to get done.  Normally when I’m exhausted and already in a rut at the start of the week I spend even more time procrastinating, wallowing in my guilt and shame, and hours on the couch watching Grey’s Anatomy reruns promising myself I’ll do better tomorrow.  It’s a bad habit that’s been going on for too long that I’m trying to remedy.  

 I know myself well and adjusting to this time change next week will most likely leave me looking like this:

With Thanksgiving and Christmas literally around the corner now I’m feeling the normal pressures and anxieties of this time of year starting to weigh me down already.  The time change and approaching winter have me wanting to dig my heels in, and there’s a strong desire and longing to stay home off the grid where I feel safe from the world and it’s problems.  There are some hard confrontations lurking on the horizon for the upcoming week and my heart is anxious about those approaching moments.  I am determined to keep my mind focused instead of strapped with worries and stress that are out of my control anyway.   I want to be diligent instead, keeping in mind that November is chosen to be the month full of thanks and gratefulness.

I don’t want this to continue to be my norm every Sunday evening as I prepare for the weeks ahead.

I’m thankful at the end of another month I’m not the woman at work struggling to make ends meet while hanging on to hope and sanity why her husband has a another medical emergency that requires two surgeries in only a few days.  I’m not the man at work who is trying to be the life line for his family as they cope with the reality that his wife and mother of their two small children has been diagnosed with stage four metastatic breast cancer that has spread to her bones in an extremely short amount of time.  I’m not the mom from a neighboring town who is preparing for another round of holidays and a birthday without her teenage son who took his own life unexpectedly a little over a year ago that rocked his family, my son and my hometown to it’s core.  

It’s been a long road overcoming some of the obstacles I have faced during the last few years but I’m thankful I’m finally at a healthier place where I can look back and be able to see the progress I’m making.  I’m still moving forward thankfully and know my Savior has been here with me during the whole journey.

Maybe since I’m feeling more on track lately I’ll attempt exercising and getting back in shape…..I said maybe, so don’t hold me to it just yet!