Unable to retain focus, to complete simple tasks.
No longer recognizing the face in the mirror.
Can’t control the fear.
A hardened heart from multiple lashings by the world’s hands.
An unbalanced life on the edge of toxicity.
The beginning of the downward spiral.
I texted a friend today the following: I hate today. I hate every Monday. I hate the world in general.
Hate ~ 1 a : intense hostility and aversion usually deriving from fear, anger, or sense of injury. b : extreme dislike or disgust : antipathy, loathing.
Hate is strong. I don’t usually like to use the word in general, but this year it seems to be falling out of my mouth constantly before I can stop it. People can be driven by hate. It can burn and consume someone lickety-split if they don’t start addressing the issue and putting out the flames quickly.
I don’t want to be a person that has let hate take over their conscience.
I took a long hard look in the mirror recently and didn’t recognize who I saw. And that wasn’t just due to physical changes.
I want and need to stop the hate. The hate I see in the eyes staring back at me daily. The hate the keeps festering and stirring. The hate that bubbles up and over onto those closest to me that I cherish dearly.
When people think of Spring break they imagine a week’s vacation or getaway, fancy-free exciting activities, time with family or friends and relaxation. We have livestock…we don’t “do” Spring break. We don’t really do vacations either unless you count taking a day off to get your taxes done or spend it driving long hours to a doctor’s appointment.
People don’t probably associate Spring break with a fractured elbow either but that’s the excitement Tom is dealing with this Spring. There’s never a good time to break a bone when you are a farmer and raise cattle but the spring time activities will be in full swing shortly and an elbow injury is an unpleasant added pain, literally.
I have decided this Spring to take my own break from certain things in my life. I need to regain my focus, stay motivated and productive so I can break free from some of the chains holding me back and stealing my peace. I need to face things head on and not fear the spring storms.
Many of these changes will be spiritually based but I’ll be throwing in a multitude of physical changes. There’s also the normal lengthly adult to-do list filled with the always exciting activities of Spring cleaning the entire house from top to bottom, cleaning up 500 piles of dog crap in the yard from this winter, and decluttering every closet, nook, cranny and probably the basement if I’m ambitious enough while also trying to keep all my new animals alive.
Spring is also the time for digging in the dirt, planting, nurturing and watching the seeds I have started during the winter flourish. It’s one of my most favorite times of year. Fill it with warmer temps, longer days and my most favorite holiday and I’m at a deeper peace. So my plan is to shift my heart away from that disgusting hate and towards the security of my faith.
Even when my eyes can’t see.
To let it rise up in place of the fear, so my heart can believe again.
To let the peace back in my life.
To be still.
Jesus I will!
Let Faith rise up, O heart believe, let faith rise up in me!