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Manic Monday

It’s Mental Health Monday over on Instagram. I don’t ever participate but I do usually try and find time to read other’s posts, words, thoughts, and feelings relating to mental health.
It helps me feel not so crazy in this world. A world that most days calls you “mental” or better yet a drama queen if you are depressed, bi-polar, manic, or suffer from any of the things no one wants to talk about.
I’m a walking, breathing contradiction of always feeling alone and having this huge desire of wanting to be alone also. It’s confusing and impossible to explain.
I struggle with lots of things most days. My moods will swing from one extreme to the next. Incredible highs to the lowest of lows with no warning.
Detaching myself from the world, following a routine and schedule, usually helps me to shift focus and see things more clearly. And I spend a lot of time asking God to show me the truth and help me stop believing the lies my brain tries to convince me are real.
And other days I just lay in bed and cry it all out instead. Because some times that huge release of emotion is all I actually need to be able to move forward.
I’ve been gifted an amazing friendship with a woman who doesn’t care that I’m a hot mess express. She doesn’t care that I’m a maniac wreck. She sees me the way God sees me. She fills my life with encouragement until it overflows even knowing most days I don’t have the strength to reciprocate. She asks me the questions no one else does. Like am I really happy or just being a fake.
And when I’m in the darkness she is always there waving a flashlight so I can find the light again.
She is a gift, handpicked from God for this manic.

I can’t get out of my bed, think there’s magnets in my mattress
Might as well just be a casket for all I care
Oh no, here we go again
The bad thoughts are creeping in
The bad thoughts are creeping in
When I feel crazy, I hide it, then fall apart in private
Where my mirror’s the only one who sees my tears
There’s a method to my sadness, it’s a chemical imbalance
And my head is damaged way beyond repair

I’m a manic depressive, passive aggressive, emotionally repressed
Introverted extroverted, melancholic, alcoholic mess
I wish my inner thoughts were dinner conversation
I wished on every star and every constellation
Oh, manic, oh, manic, oh (I’m a manic depressive)
Oh, manic, oh, manic, oh (I’m a manic depressive)
Oh, manic, oh, manic, oh (I’m a manic depressive)
Oh, manic, oh, manic, oh (I’m a manic depressive)
Some days, I wish I was dead
Think I’m broken, I can’t fix it
It’s an intangible sickness, but it’s there
Oh no, here we go again
The bad thoughts are creeping in
The bad thoughts are creeping in
So I wrestle my demons ’til I go off the deep end
Where I’m drowning and I can’t come up for air
I’ve tried every medication and I’ve gone in hibernation
Hiding in my room like a bipolar bear
I’m obsessive, compulsive, and self-destructive
Hey, what did you expect?
Narcissistic and neurotic, I’m just one big ball of stress
I wish my inner thoughts were dinner conversation
I wished on every star and every constellation
I wish that I was calm and wasn’t always anxious
The bad thoughts are creeping in
The bad thoughts are creeping in, oh
The bad thoughts are creeping in
The bad thoughts are creeping in, oh
The bad thoughts are creeping in
The bad thoughts are creeping in

~ Manic~ song by Coleman Hell

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