What Ifs

What if the sky falls or the sun stops burnin’
We could worry about them what ifs ’til the world stops turnin’

 

This new year didn’t start out anything like I expected. They never really do so I don’t know what I was thinking. Day one of January brought sickness into our home.  To be honest I thought my husband was being a giant baby until he shared it with me and I spent one long day and night on the couch dreaming of my death, during bots of fever, contemplating how my funeral should go, that I realized he wasn’t faking it.  That strain of influenza decided to stick around the farmhouse for two weeks like a plague.  We slept, we hung out in the bathrooms, we slept, we felt like death, we tried to survive chores each day, we slept some more.

January has been filled with loss of livestock lives once again. Animals are succumbing to random illnesses while others we are putting out of their misery ourselves because some days that’s just how farm life goes. Even one of our dogs has been fighting for his life after contracting a fungal infection caused from the soil. Weird things like that tend to happen to us.

We’ve been laughing, praying, shedding some tears, holding on to our faith while digging in to face whatever comes this year!

Also this entire month the song “What Ifs” sung by country singer Kane Brown has been stuck in my head on constant repeat.  I wake up hearing it, I hum and whistle it, I sing it to myself when I’m cooking, showering, driving, or out doing chores in the barn.  I was even humming it around work. It will not go away.  I don’t even know how it got stuck in my brain but it’s probably not leaving until I sit down and jot down my jumbled thoughts so that’s why I’m here.

Are you a What If person? A person who no matter what does (or even’t doesn’t) happen is constantly thinking What If?  You’re inner monologues are incredibly dramatic as Rachel Hollis would say?

That’s me right there.

What if I had said more? What if I had just said nothing at all? What if I try and fail? What if I’m a bad friend? What if I’ve screwed up my children?  What if I never leave this God-forsaken job?  What if nothing ever changes?  What if everything changes?  What if I never find true happiness again?

Or how about the deep dark, twisted What Ifs?

What if I take back my health only to die from cancer or some other disease anyway?  What if they create a cancer curing vaccine only years from now it actually does cause a zombie apocalypse?  What if Tom realizes he deserves someone better?  What if my children die before me?  What if Tom dies and his family kicks me off their land?  What if I end up with Alzheimer’s or dementia and can’t recall my own life?    What if you realized I’m a fraud if I shared the sins I plan on taking to the grave with me? What if grace doesn’t save me?  What if I never get out of this what if cycle and waste precious time? 

The What Ifs go on and on forever in my head.

All I wanted to do every day for the last few years was quit my job!  I was miserable and so terribly unhappy.  It was stealing my soul bit by bit every day.  So one day I did just that.  I quit.  It was compulsive and unexpected and I honestly jumped without a parachute or a plan.  I swallowed the What Ifs, pushed aside the fear and took a leap which ended up being one of the best things I have done in ages.

I’m still reaping the rewards from that decision and trusting blind Faith.

This past summer I actually had time to stop and basically do nothing for a while except enjoy nature, the farm, and my surroundings.  My heart and soul needed mended and healed. I stopped and soaked in everything around me. I read books, and scriptures and sung worship songs to my Savior. I took a breather and focused on a simplistic life. Stopped to find the peace and contentment that comes with just being. I asked Jesus to break the chains that had been weighing me down for way too long.

If was blissful and the whole experience refreshed my soul in a way that has thus far kept the winter blues away.

After the plague moved on this month a motivation came over me to push aside more fear and more What Ifs in my life.

For far too long I’ve been hung up over frivolous and stupid things.  I’m tired of caring about what the world or other people think. I’m tired of listening to my over dramatic monologues.  What If I’m the only thing standing in my own way for something great that I can’t even imagine or see yet?  As a friend said to me back in November, “Not knowing what’s going to happen can sometimes lead to the best part you never expected”.

I don’t want the What Ifs any more.  I just want to enjoy BEING this year.  I want to plan for longevity.  Something I don’t think I have ever done in my life. 

I want to continue to take time for myself.  To make the physical changes that are long over do.

I want to say “I love you” more. Not only to myself but to others.

I want to embrace the journey of spiritual calming.

To go back to some basics.

To grow my heart.

To trust God is in control of it all.

Sickness, snow, losses and blizzards have put a couple wrinkles in a few of my plans this month but the effect has been changes in other areas that I never saw coming.

Blessings in disguise! I love when those God-winks happen!

I apparently was whistling away to my little heart’s content one night not long ago while standing in the kitchen cooking supper.  Tom asked what was up with all the whistling.  I just shook my head and shrugged my shoulders and told him my dad was always whistling when I was growing up.  It seemed to be nonstop and constant almost daily.  I just assumed he did it because he was happy. 

Then I just smiled and went back to cooking as happiness swelled up in my heart!

Happy New Year y’all!  My prayer is you each will find your whistle this year!