Momma Always Said

A few weekends ago was the beginning of Daylight saving time for us.  Usually we go ahead and set our clocks ahead early in the evening.  This year Tom and I both set the clocks ahead an hour early.  So in the mist of the confusion of who did what and when and what time it actually was Tom was trying to reset the clock on the oven and somehow accidentally set it to Sabbath Mode which locker the oven down. Did you know this even existed?  Me neither, but it does.

The whole incident was quite comical, especially since we were in the middle of baking a pizza.

Spiritually Sabbath Mode sounds amazing though doesn’t it? I picture it filled with a true, peaceful rest, relaxation of the mind, and nonstop worshiping and communing with God. You spend your days walking and talking with Jesus and soaking in wisdom and understanding. Your soul just sings and the smile you wear is ear to ear and authentic!

We’re all friends here I assume or you would stop checking in on me so I’m going to be honest.  Since the time change three weeks ago I have been the farthest thing from any type of Sabbath Mode.  The farthest!

I have been mean.  Over the top mean.  Angry, short-tempered, hateful.  Oh so hateful.  Like so embarrassingly hateful.  I cannot stop myself.  I wake up angry, I force a fake smile all day, I come home angry, I go to bed angry.  I don’t sleep because I’m too angry and hateful.  I’m exhausted from being angry and worrying about being so angry all the time.  It’s ugly and I know it.

Momma always said if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all.

So as the anger and hate began to fester and set up a temporary camp I decided to step back.

I took a break from Instagram because I didn’t want to post anything that was in reality fraudulent.

I felt like a blubbering idiot leading a Bible study this past week because of my behaviors that were going on behind closed doors.

I didn’t feel I should be allowed around other breathing humans.  I pictured them becoming engulfed in fire from just standing next to me.

And I’m not being overdramatic.  Trust me.

Heck, go ahead and ask my husband how ugly it’s been.  He’s my safe space so he gets to live through and experience the up close and personal true, crazy, monster me in these moments of childlike behavior.

The Bible is pretty straight forward and real when it comes to what should spew out of our mouths and what consumes our minds.

It’s also a great manual regarding forgiveness.  Forgiving others and forgiving ourselves.  Luckily for me my husband is much more forgiving of my behaviors then I am regarding myself.

Life on the farm is always where I feel most connected to my Savior, my Father in Heaven and creation.

Being tied down to the earth, animals and seasons is back-breaking and freeing at the same time.

I breathe Him into my bones when I’m standing in the presence of sunrises and sunsets.  I hear him in the music of the birds and in the bubbling of the creek behind our house.

I talk to Jesus constantly while tending to the daily homesteading grind.

The world is constantly trying to change me into something I’m not and the rhythm of chores and livestock responsibilities keep me grounded. But oh they are so, so tiresome.  It’s been a long, tumultuous season of sickness, death, hard work and mother nature trying to break us and turn us against one another.

I cry out daily.

Lord please help us. 

I cry these words over and over and over again.

Some days they are mixed with tears when I’m up to my ears in chaos and utter exhaustion.

He hears my cries when I’m wrestling bottle calves in the house and barn, losing chickens to foxes and coyotes and trudging through mud, rain and sleet to make sure the herds and new calves aren’t drowning.

I cry out in desperation wishing for sunshine, green grass, and blue skies.  For warmth on my skin.

For forgiveness for who I am at this time of living off coffee, hatred and anger.

I cry out again and again and again.

But today….Oh, today…….I could see and feel the change despite the bite of cold in the wind…..

Winter is trying to make a exit and the breezes and sounds of Spring are slowly returning.

The change is welcomed and the Lord knows I need it because I’ve been horrible at following what momma always said.