Turn it off

My life has been dictated by the clock for as long as I can remember. A constant looking at the time. From the moment my eyes open until they close at the end of long days. I’m constantly asking myself What time is it? It’s mostly because there is just never enough time for all the things I think or perceive I should be doing. Usually my first alarm starts at 4:45am followed by 10 more within a 2 hour period, all set to remind me of exactly what time it is. Last alarm for still being in bed. This alarm means I should be on a second cup of coffee and in the barn. Here’s the alarm reminding me there’s only 2 more alarms before you absolutely, positively will be late for work. After work it’s just a countdown of minutes, cramming through endless responsibilities and always feeling behind on everything before going to bed and starting the cycle all over again.

Two weeks after resigning I was still staring at the clock. Still getting that constant panicky feeling of not enough time in my day (or night for that matter). I would be out in the pasture with Tom checking calves and still staring at the time. Telling myself over and over I don’t have time for this. Spending the moment worried about to-do lists instead of enjoying.

On Sunday evenings I would stand on the porch in the darkness and my heart would start to race. I had dreaded Mondays and new weeks for years. Teaching my mind not to spin and panic wasn’t easy.

And you would think having absolutely no where in the world to go I would stop staring at the clock and worrying. It sounds pretty simple.

Nope! Didn’t happen.

So I shut all my alarms off. ALL OF THEM. This wasn’t an overnight decision which is ironic since this is exactly what I had wanted the pleasure to be able to do FOREVER! I thought the world would implode if I didn’t get out of bed with the early roosters. Nothing would get done. My days would be wasted. I’d turn into a sleeping until 11am lazy bum, who never gets out of her pj’s and eats bon bons on the couch while watching soap operas until supper. (The last time that happened I was in high school but my brain is overly dramatic!)

Chances are if I died today my mom, mother-in-law and sisters would step in and clean my messy house and figure out what needs taken care of. Chances are also good that if I died months or years down the road they would still have to do those things.

I needed to stop these frenetic tendencies of mine and just live and breathe in the gift I’ve been given in this season of life.

The gift of TIME

I finally convinced myself to stop feeling guilty and being so hard on myself and to actual shut off the clock. So a couple of weeks ago I did it.

Guess what? The world didn’t end and I didn’t turn into a couch potato. If anything I felt alive again. Truly at peace when I would wake up (which oddly is still very early) and rested and accomplished when I would finally lay my head down at night.

Each morning feels glorious and I’m soaking it in willingly amongst the morning glories. Coffee on the porch with birds singing sweet songs. Once again beginning each day filling my heart, mind and soul with Bible studies. Something I stopped doing 2+ years ago. Taking the time to count my blessings and thank God for this temporary gift. My morning commute is to the pastures and I love it.

I’ve spent more time admiring His creation that envelopes me wholly each day. There are no words that bring to justice how grateful I feel. I had forgotten to appreciate I live in a place of retreat that other’s can only dream of.

They always say time’s a wastin. I don’t want to waste this season of time.

I’ve laid in the stillness of darkness and re memorized the sound and feel of my husband’s heartbeat and spent countless hours next to him with his hand resting on my thigh.

We’ve spent raining days running errands, taking naps and making love in the middle of the day.

We took a Saturday off together. The.Entire.Day

Time is so very precious. Time spent doing what truly makes YOU happy, not what the world says works.

I had an entire laundry list of things I planned on spending my time doing during this break. I haven’t done half of them. I tore up that list.

There’s always the next season.

I asked God at the beginning of this new journey to take it all. I was a complete wreck of a mess and a shell of myself. My mother-in-law told me how much I had changed over the years. And not in a good way. She was right. (Another post on that in the near future). I begged him to take the pain and despair, to repair the horrible person I had turned into over time and heal me.

He asked me to give Him some time.

So I am.

And it’s working!

I can’t turn back the clock, but I can shut off alarms even if just for a short period of time.

“Take It All”
My head is spinning around and my heart is on the floor
Beating louder than the roar of thunder
Banging on my door
So take it all, take it all

I left my world wide open
It felt like a dream
You found me as another, I barely knew my name
You take it all, oh take it all

Take the hurt in my chest
Take the pain in my eyes
Take the fear in my soul
Take the tears that I cry
You call me out of my head and I was ready to fall
Cause you are all that I need
So take it all
Take it all

My body’s almost broken, it can’t contain my soul
This storm is going quiet, but I still feel the cold
I left my world behind me, I’ll never be the same
But these memories still screaming loud, calling out my name

Take it all

Take the hurt in my chest
Take the pain in my eyes
Take the fear in my soul
Take the tears that I cry
You call me out of my head and I was ready to fall
Cause you are all that I need
So take it all
Take it all