I have a
The first would be it took me four days just to type that one sentence.
I feel I owe you an explanation…a reason for the empty excuses I give to you each month. You gaze at me with your loving, motherly looks on Sunday mornings and offer your hugs and sincere words of encouragement and it pains me to say I’m sorry AGAIN as one more month has ticked by and I am unable to deliver what you ask of me.
I click on my drafts folder and see I have
a couple thirteen articles started and saved but never completed because honestly, I don’t know where I am at the moment STILL and it’s been impossible to keep my mind focused to write. I thought the “moment” of feeling like this would be temporary, but when I look at the calendar and count the months backward I realize it’s been 32 months since it all started, when the first of many unexpected events began. 32 months, really? Wow! Has someone messed with all the calendars and time? That is an excessive amount of time to be stuck in what I thought would be a “moment” in my life.
Most Sundays when I chat with you I let you see what I want you to see. The girl dressed up for church, with a smile on her face and arms open wide, eager to give you heart-warming hugs and extend well wishes for your upcoming week. I say the words I know I’m supposed to say as we exchange normal pleasantries and I answer your questions like a robot.
How are you?….I am good!
How are you and Tom?.…We are good!
How are the kids?….They are good!
How is work?….Work is good!
I’m a master at the vague answers and turning the conversations back to you and your own lives. It’s easy, it’s comfortable and takes little effort on my part. I practice it on a daily basis at work so I’m a pro come Sunday mornings when I see you.
I feel like a total fraud.
What would happen if I showed up for services one Sunday morning with my tattered, ragged, true self on display and answered your questions with the vulnerable reality that has damaged my soul over the last couple of years? Would you still acknowledge me with a smile on your face or walk away quickly, shaking your head and pondering on your way home “what is wrong with that crazy lady?”
So here it is, laid out for you, in this “moment” of my life.
A small glimpse into who I am, a few admissions, and some thank you’s for putting up with me and my quirkiness.
~I am not a morning person
~I never ever ever tire of pizza, Mexican food, or Buffalo Chicken
~I ♥ ALL genres of music
~I’ve always wanted to learn how to play the guitar
dislike hate playing games, any games (please don’t ask me to participate)
~I have a
tiny ENORMOUS obsession with animals. “Dogs Welcome (people tolerated)” graces our wall in my kitchen
~I do everything I can to avoid confrontations
~I love watching football games
~I have a
small HUGE addiction with Grey’s Anatomy
~I have a fear of drowning, even in my own bathtub
~I am an experienced swimmer (?see above confession/crazy lady alert!)
uneasy terrified to drive by myself to anywhere I have never been before
dislike hate folding and putting laundry away. My family has spent many days years digging through mounds of clean clothes piled on our laundry room floor. And ironing clothes? Please, I’m laughing.
uneasy terrified of storms and watch them approach with shaking knees while mentally going over a checklist of where my purse, phone, shoes and dogs are all located in the extremely slight chance a tornado should come tearing through our fields and destroy our house even though I know it most likely will never happen.
~I have gained 30 pounds in a year
~I once was an extrovert, but am currently trapped in the mind and physical limitations of an introvert
~I’m scared of doctors and am not joking when I say I need sedated to ever go back to any no matter what specialty
~I feel like a failure as a daughter
~Tom and I became unexpected empty nesters this year and I am floundering profusely because of it
~I feel like a failure as a mother pretty much on a
daily hourly basis
worried paranoid my husband will finally wake up and walk away after realizing I’m actually crazier than he originally assumed
~I’m haunted by the fact I am an easy person for people to walk away from in life
~I never want to let people go, even when they hurt me
~I have longed since high school to write a book, but I’m too afraid of being told my life story isn’t worth reading
~I have acquired extreme anxiety in social situations in the last 32 months (You say “I like your outfit”,
I say things like “You’re welcome”?)
~It takes every ounce of strength I have to get up and go to work in Babylon
~It takes every once of strength I have to go anywhere away from my home
~I cry, I cry A LOT, it’s a miracle if I don’t cry every day
~Both of my former best friends decided I was no longer worthy of their friendship in a two months span and I have never gotten over it
~I have extreme trust issues involving friendships with other women
~I wake up in the middle of the night because I’m afraid this “moment” in my life might actually be permanent