A “Moment” of Confessions and Thanks

I have a confession….confessions.

The first would be it took me four days just to type that one sentence.

I feel I owe you an explanation…a reason for the empty excuses I give to you each month.  You gaze at me with your loving, motherly looks on Sunday mornings and offer your hugs and sincere words of encouragement and it pains me to say I’m sorry AGAIN as one more month has ticked by and I am unable to deliver what you ask of me.

I click on my drafts folder and see I have a couple thirteen articles started and saved but never completed because honestly, I don’t know where I am at the moment STILL and it’s been impossible to keep my mind focused to write.  I thought the “moment” of feeling like this would be temporary, but when I look at the calendar and count the months backward I realize it’s been 32 months since it all started, when the first of many unexpected events began.  32 months, really?  Wow!  Has someone messed with all the calendars and time?  That is an excessive amount of time to be stuck in what I thought would be a “moment” in my life.

Most Sundays when I chat with you I let you see what I want you to see.  The girl dressed up for church, with a smile on her face and arms open wide, eager to give you heart-warming hugs and extend well wishes for your upcoming week.  I say the words I know I’m supposed to say as we exchange normal pleasantries and I answer your questions like a robot.

How are you?….I am good!

How are you and Tom?.…We are good!

How are the kids?….They are good!

How is work?….Work is good!

I’m a master at the vague answers and turning the conversations back to you and your own lives.  It’s easy, it’s comfortable and takes little effort on my part.  I practice it on a daily basis at work so I’m a pro come Sunday mornings when I see you.

I feel like a total fraud.

What would happen if I showed up for services one Sunday morning with my tattered, ragged, true self on display and answered your questions with the vulnerable reality that has damaged my soul over the last couple of years?  Would you still acknowledge me with a smile on your face or walk away quickly, shaking your head and pondering on your way home “what is wrong with that crazy lady?”

So here it is, laid out for you, in this “moment” of my life.

A small glimpse into who I am, a few admissions, and some thank you’s for putting up with me and my quirkiness.

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~I am not a morning person

~I never ever ever tire of pizza, Mexican food, or Buffalo Chicken

~I ♥ ALL genres of music

~I’ve always wanted to learn how to play the guitar

~I really dislike hate playing games, any games (please don’t ask me to participate)

~I have a tiny ENORMOUS obsession with animals.  “Dogs Welcome (people tolerated)” graces our wall in my kitchen

~I do everything I can to avoid confrontations

~I love watching football games

~I have a small HUGE addiction with Grey’s Anatomy

~I have a fear of drowning, even in my own bathtub

~I am an experienced swimmer (?see above confession/crazy lady alert!)

~I am uneasy terrified to drive by myself to anywhere I have never been before

~I dislike hate folding and putting laundry away.  My family has spent many days years digging through mounds of clean clothes piled on our laundry room floor.  And ironing clothes?  Please, I’m laughing.

~I am uneasy terrified of storms and watch them approach with shaking knees while mentally going over a checklist of where my purse, phone, shoes and dogs are all located in the extremely slight chance a tornado should come tearing through our fields and destroy our house even though I know it most likely will never happen.

 ~I have gained 30 pounds in a year

~I once was an extrovert, but am currently trapped in the mind and physical limitations of an introvert

~I’m scared of doctors and am not joking when I say I need sedated to ever go back to any no matter what specialty

~I feel like a failure as a daughter

~Tom and I became unexpected empty nesters this year and I am floundering profusely because of it

~I feel like a failure as a mother pretty much on a daily hourly basis

~I’m worried paranoid my husband will finally wake up and walk away after realizing I’m actually crazier than he originally assumed

~I’m haunted by the fact I am an easy person for people to walk away from in life

~I never want to let people go, even when they hurt me

~I have longed since high school to write a book, but I’m too afraid of being told my life story isn’t worth reading

~I have acquired extreme anxiety in social situations in the last 32 months (You say “I like your outfit”,

I say things like “You’re welcome”?)

~It takes every ounce of strength I have to get up and go to work in Babylon

~It takes every once of strength I have to go anywhere away from my home

~I cry, I cry A LOT, it’s a miracle if I don’t cry every day

~Both of my former best friends decided I was no longer worthy of their friendship in a two months span and I have never gotten over it

~I have extreme trust issues involving friendships with other women

~I wake up in the middle of the night because I’m afraid this “moment” in my life might actually be permanent

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This is where the words & writing want to stop, my brain screams to shut down, the walls come up and my fingers pause, unable to continue typing.  It’s common practice for me to just quit and save this in my draft folder with all the rest, promising I will finish it tomorrow when I feel better.

It’s hard not to feel shame and horribly guilty when other people face such worse things on this earth than I ever have.  But my goal each day right now is to just make it through each day.  I’m not great, heck most days saying I’m good is a lie.  I’m here, still searching, still standing, still healing and desperately trying to get better I promise.

I want to say THANK YOU to all of you who have helped me still be here in ways you probably didn’t realize were crucial to me surviving this “moment”.

Thank you to my church ladies who have sent me countless cards, gifts, emails, and text messages just because you were thinking of me.  You have no idea the joy that stirs in my heart and the healing it helps bring to my soul when I see these things from each of you.   Thank you to those who have offered me a listening ear as I’ve plopped myself down at your kitchen tables and in your living rooms and poured some of my troubles and worries out to you.  I’m sorry I don’t thank you and reciprocate your kindness more often.  I sincerely hope some day my extreme anxiety will pass so I can once again join you at Bible Study and our other church functions.  When I am unable to physically bring myself to be there please know I am fervently praying for the day to come again sooner than later.

To the two wonderful women I am lucky enough to call my biological sisters……..I am forever grateful for the many things you do unselfishly for me.  Thank you for the many uplifting conversations, text messages, books, devotions, and spiritual insights you have blessed me with over the years.  Thank you for listening to my rants, moments of rage, sadness and despair when I feel like I’m a crazy person.  Thank you for sharing the tears and fears that come with being a mother and wife.  Thank you for loaning me your iron in last minute emergencies the day hours before Easters, Homecomings, and funerals knowing I will probably not be able to find mine for several more years.  Thank you for coming to my house to clean for me, wiping down a year’s worth of dust in more places than not, for scrubbing my toilets and bathrooms and tackling many other disgusting tasks around my house during a time when I could barely function enough to shower and get dressed let alone clean.  Thank you for offering to run my errands and go to the store for me knowing I’m your weirdo sister that some days cannot leave my house for even the smallest tasks.  Thank you for giving up your Saturdays in December to go shopping with me for my own family’s Christmas gifts because you know I need a hand to hold when it comes to not freaking out in large crowds and a co-pilot when I’m driving in the madness that encompasses that time of year.  Thank you for answering the phone and calmly reassuring me it’s going to be okay when the words and tears are stuck in my throat and I can’t talk. Thank you for never judging me and my parenting skills and the decisions I have made for my children….even when you may not agree.

Even though this “moment” has felt like the biggest stumbling block I have ever encountered I firmly believe and have faith that it will not last forever.  That some day I will feel like the old me again.  I trust in the unknown future because I  know that Jesus has been my hope, my guide and my Savior for many more years than this long “moment” in my life.  And even though I am working hard at feeling better I know I don’t have to work hard for God’s unfailing love for me.

Nothing can separate me from His unconditional love. ♥