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Time

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As humans here on earth we are confined to time and I have been obsessed distracted by time lately.  A LOT lately and it’s driving me to feel pretty crazy.  I hate that I spend most of my time watching staring at the clock all day long.  I watch it from the moment I wake up till the minute I get to work making sure I’m not going to be late.  I watch stare the clock down five days a week in Babylon counting down the minutes seconds until I can escape prison and flee back to the safety of my home.  At night during the work week I’m watching obsessing with the time as I cram in my animal chores, domestic household duties, unplanned errands, and meal cooking as I keep one eye on the thrilling moment the clock instructs me and my body it’s time to finally go to sleep.  I wish my watching stopped there each night but my never quiet mind doesn’t allow it.  I awake on multiple occasions praying the time on my husband’s clock will reveal there are still several hundreds of hours left of glorious, restful slumber before my alarm will be startling me awake and I’m thrust back into a cycle of never enough time. 

On the weekends I’m a slave to the precious 48 hours I have to rush around like a mad woman and use each precious minute of those hours to get as many of my responsibilities knocked off my to-do lists before the vicious cycle starts over Monday morning before the sun has even peeked on the horizon.

Tick, Tick, Tick, Tick…..

I can’t breathe.

I’m drowning and I’m doing it to myself and I’m completely aware it’s all me but I can’t stop.  I have a front row seat to it taking a toll on both my mind and body.

I literally can’t breathe some days watching the time tick away as I struggle to just put one foot in front of the other, mindlessly racing catapulting myself through the day and trying not to collapse.  It’s a crazy, blood pressure raising madness I’ve let myself become accustomed to for way too long.  My chest is tight, my eyes are wild, and my feet scream at me to give them a rest at the end of overfilled days.  It’s hard to focus, to not let the craziness take over.  I want my eyes and mind to be focused on things that are more healthy and healing for my soul and the souls of others more importantly instead of frantic days filled with things that feel meaningless. 

I don’t want to feel like I’m constantly drowning in my crazy head.  I’m scared terrified of drowning.  Scared of the heaviness of it all final breaking me because I let it.  I ache deep inside for the day to come when I’m able to be in a state where time doesn’t consume every second of my being here on earth.  I don’t want to wake up one day when my eyes are finally free of the darkness and look back to see my life passed so quickly and I never took notice of some of the most important moments.  

I know I’m not alone in this hectic, vicious cycle of “normal” life that can make mothers and wives feel crazy.  I know many of us wake up each day having that “today will be different” conversation with ourselves

I’m actively trying to refocus my mind which leads to diverting my time to things and opportunities that present themselves to me both planned and unplanned.   I’m trying to remind myself that stopping isn’t going to kill me but continuing down this frantic path may instead.   

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I’m faithfully trying to spend more time letting God lead my ways each day instead of the world and the hands of worldly time.  I know when I try to do everything on my own instead of letting Him it always turns out far worse.  When I first started working in Babylon I forced myself to leave early each day so I could take time to read a Bible study over email every morning before I walked out of the parking garage.  For the longest time it was just words, the same old empty words on the screen on my phone.  But eventually that little morning habit turned into several Bible study emails, which blossomed into a wonderful app I found for my phone called First 5 by the Proverbs 31 Ministries.  I have fallen in love with it and look forward it to it every morning now.  I thought my eyes were deceiving me when I looked back at all of the studies I had done and was shocked when I counted 65!  This time in my day is no longer just as monotonous as making the coffee, feeding the dogs, or putting on my make-up before work.  It’s reviving my soul and blessing me with healing, encouragement, and guidance at the beginning of each work day.  

I’ve been trying to stop and take notice of the season changing around me.  To be thankful for the beauty I get to see stretched out for miles and miles on my way to Babylon, when running errands or taking a country drive.  To be gracious for the open skies littered with stars as far as my eye can see at night from my front porch.  To be able to witness the ever changing vibrant colors of autumn that surround my house off the grid in the sanctuary of the country.  I’ve been taking prying my eyes away from the clock to not miss this time of year because I love Autumn but I haven’t let myself stop and take it all in for a few years.  The Lord has delivered when I’ve slowed myself down, looked up instead, and turned my eyes to Him and His promises on the horizon.

Sunrise 2015 Autumn 2015

I’m trying to refocus my time on people in my life and memory making moments with them when the opportunity arises in my busy schedule.  Stopping to do this is probably the hardest for me to actively commit to because being alone is so much easier and safer to me.  I’m not proud to say that usually when I’m socializing with others my mind is focused on the time and is constantly wandering in a different world, hashing out all the things I think I should be getting done.

I’ve said yes instead of no making excuses when people have asked to stop by our place for a visit.  I’ve lingered longer in the driveway talking to neighbors and visitors who have unexpectedly stopped by.  I’m committing to time on the weekends to see my sister and her beautiful baby because he is growing quickly and constantly changing and I don’t want to miss any of it.  I feel loved and welcomed when I’m in her home and the moments with her creates laughter and comfort and helps mend the wounds that time and people have left on my heart from the past.  I’m cherishing these moments even more than I thought was possible. 

Any kind of changes are hard whether big or small but these things I NEED to do so I can be an active participant in the quality moments of my life and of course so I can get it together again for the hundredth thousandth time in my adult life.

Time” clearly does not relate to God and man in the same way and I’m so, so very thankful every day for that.

 

 

1 thought on “Time”

  1. I feel that EXACT same way ALL the time!!! But you know I think it’s only been since I started working full-time again!! When I was a stay-at-home I often felt frazzled yes, but content and full-filled at the end of the day!! And I never dreaded Sunday evenings or Monday mornings like I do now. Time ran differently when I didn’t have a 9 to 5!! Now there are never enough hours in a day!!!

    Liked by 1 person

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