The Hard Stuff

To My Beautiful Daughter~

Is the real world, the one that takes with no warning, destroys without caring, and is brutal beyond words what you were searching for?  

You’ve been wishing for something different for so many years of your still young fragile life.  

Wishing to be older

Wishing to be somewhere else

Wishing for different parents

Wishing to live on your own terms

Wishing for relief from inward battles, pain and torture

Wishing the struggles and torment would end 

Is it all you had hoped and dreamed out in the world on your own?

The road that leads to pain and makes you tremble in the night doesn’t have to be your ending.  

The sleepless nights, anxieties, and pain you are putting yourself through can stop!  

Choose to live!  

Choose light over darkness! 

Choose hope!

Choose Jesus!

Choose to say “This will not be who I am”

Find courage to take a different road

Find courage to swallow your pride

Find courage to admit your mistakes

Find courage to ask for forgiveness and help

Find courage to open the wounds, to mend your heart, to seek seasoned guidance

You are more than what you think you see

You are more than your choices and past mistakes

You are more than a branch in our family tree

You are more than the lies the world has convinced you to see

You are more to us than what you see

The thing you are most afraid of doing may be the thing that will set you free!

 

I love my daughter, my first born, in more ways than I thought was humanly possible.  Her and I have shared so much together in the 18 years we were under the same roof.  Memories I hold tightly in my heart since the moment I first held her in my arms at the young age of 19.  As mothers, I feel like our hearts do literally bleed for our children in ways only mothers can understand.  At times children can bruise pulverize our own tender hearts and leave scars that can last a season or in some cases even a lifetime. 

Not too long after she graduated from High School a semester early, she turned 18, and a few months later decided to take control of her life and head out into the world on her own.  We had seen the signs for months years.  She had been proclaiming for a long time that “when she turned 18, she was going to be able to do whatever she wanted.”  I guess a huge part of me believed the dreams I had envisioned for her at this stage of life were greater than her desire to leave us and our home so soon.  

Eight months ago while I was at work she left with a bag full of clothes and a determination in her eyes and has yet to look back.  There was no good-bye, no I’m sorry, no real explanation.  It’s been a brutal experience for all of us.  The constant daily chatter over text messages and phone calls immediately came to a halt and the few I received were the generic “I’m fine and have things figured out”.  I literally cried for weeks on end at home, at work, and in my car.  It took 36 days for me to convince her to even come meet with me in person.  36 days is not a life time, I understand that, but it felt like an eternity at the time.  This momma had already been fighting back the tears since the start of her Senior year just thinking of her graduation and taking off to college.  I was completely unprepared for what life was really going to entail instead for all of us.

I’d like to say that eight months later things have changed and we are all back to being a happy little family under one roof but that is not our reality.

The reality is she is still gone at this present moment….lost in a enormous, scary, evil, sinful world on her own and on her own terms.  The reality is she suffers from serious depression and at times self-mutilation.  The reality is she cannot keep herself motivated to maintain a steady job.  The reality is she only texts me or calls me when she needs things, REALLY needs thing.  The reality is she suffers from a disease and illness like so many others of her generation and wants the easy way out.  The reality is she needs help, but refuses to see it or desire to make the really hard choices she desperately needs to make in order to help herself.  The reality is everyday I’m riddled with fear of what may happen to her if she chooses to continue on her own down this road.  The reality is I’m scared the next phone call will be the one informing me she has attempted suicide again.  The reality is none of us can imagine a world without her in it and I spend many restless nights worried my own shortcomings as a mom some how caused all of this to transpire and I’m the one to blame.    

God knew from the day He created life in my womb that we would be crossing this unexpected territory as a family some day.  I don’t want to question the plans He has for my daughter even when the days seam bleak and worrisome from this mom’s earthly point of view.  

I must instead turn my bleeding heart and fears to Him even when I can’t see how this story will end.  

I will continue to offer her never ending grace, mercy, forgiveness, love and open arms even when it seems too hard because after all, at the end of the day, isn’t that what we are all searching for also?

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