H.O.P.E

H.O.P.E. ~ Hold On Pain Ends

Babylon is so insanely loud this week and so are the voices and pounding in my head.  I have little zero patience for any of it.  I’ve been dealing with several days of a constant headache that resembles a bad hangover from a past life when I would spend waste the weekends indulging myself in wild stupid behaviors.  I’ve been trying to write about blessings, thankfulness and more positive things this month but my mind is distracted, bogged down and floating else where at the moment.

I feel like I’m teetering on an imaginary ledge, waiting for the other metaphorical shoe to drop instead.  I’ve seen it more times than I’ve ever wanted to over the last several years.  The shoe that always leaves a gut wrenching sickness in my stomach and leads me us into uncharted territory every time.  I’m hoping I’m just letting my mom like fears and anxieties get the best of me and in the end the danger lurking on the other side of the ledge will stay away and not snake it’s way back into our lives.  The likelihood of something going wrong is probably lower than my fears are driving me to believe, but if it does go wrong the consequences are high.  The consequences are the scary part.      

Have you ever watched someone crumble before your very eyes and just out of your reach?  Have you ever held on for dear life to the front row seat of someone else’s turbulent ride through a journey of pain and suffering knowing full well you cannot walk the road for them.  

I have been the driver down that winding, curvy rough road that lead to a land of despair and deep soul searching.  I’ve been the person who said thought she had it all figured out on her own when honestly I had no clue what I was doing or where I was headed.  I’ve been lost, desperate, scared terrified and felt alone.  Oh so very dark and alone.  But now I’m in the backseat watching it happen to someone I love and pleading for the ride to stop while desperately searching for the emergency brake that is just out of my reach.  

I know our current situation is not final, yet.  But when it’s your own flesh and blood it’s not a lazy Sunday afternoon, hair blowing in the breeze, sun shining on your face type of adventure.   

 Watching someone else struggle so immensely sears straight to my heart and has been burning for days, weeks, months on end.  There’s no clear cut instructions.  There’s no map folded on the seat to follow.  I can’t search Google for quick directions or ask Siri for the answer.  I don’t see a sign on the horizon illuminated by my headlights saying destination ahead.  Instead I see danger.

 

Just because I can’t physically see the end of the road with human eyes doesn’t mean I have thrown in the towel, given up and quit trying.  

True, unconditional love has no limits.  It is genuine, constant, endless, eternal, unrestricted, extraordinary and supreme.  

It also gives hope for the hopeless.

I sat across from my daughter during dinner last night fighting back the mom tears as she described her current living and life situations and struggles.  I’m watching her speed down some dangerous paths and roads that are scary for even this crazy person who has seen a lot in her short time on this earth.  But her journey has yet to bring her to a place of surrender.  The other shoe hasn’t dropped that will force her to change her ways and change her future.

So for now I’m holding tightly to the truth I believe in.

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

 Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)

I’m not judging my daughter….it’s not my place and I don’t want that job ever.  

I’m not telling her she can’t live this life she is choosing all on her own.  

I’m not trying to force her to become someone else.

Instead I remind her I will never reject her.  

I choose to love her unconditionally.  

I never stop praying for her, her journey or future.

I remind her of hope and to hold on during the struggles as I hug her tightly and wipe the tears from her eyes wishing for her pain to end.

I’m so thankful that my own journey down a rough road in life brought me the blessing of her.

  I don’t know what exactly my daughter is searching for because we were all created differently.  I don’t know what will bring her true happiness but I’m willing to be whatever she needs.  

I ♥ listening to music.  The lyrics to so many songs speak to my soul on a daily basis.  I cried silently in the darkness of my hubby’s truck last night listening to the radio while hashing out everything in my head that is currently going on.  

This song captures the essence of what I’ve been feeling lately while on this road and journey with my girl.