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Is abnormal bad?  Or just different?

It’s Thanksgiving week and I want to feel things you are supposed to feel during this time of year:  grateful, thankful, content, cheerful, serene.

I don’t feel any of those things after the start to this week.  I feel sick at the moment.  Physically my kidneys feel like they are on fire and literally an enormousness pain in my side (seriously doctors…how can there be nothing wrong?).  Emotionally I am teetering on tears for no reason at all and mentally I’m in a fog.  This fake smile is killing my face. 

Last week I was crabby, extra cranky, on edge and ready to scream.  I had almost no patience and zero sense of humor.  I had to leave an hour early on Wednesday just for the sake of my sanity.  This week I’m already pondering too much about what it would be like to throat punch people.  That’s what Babylon some times does to me.  I despise Babylon this week, last week, too many weeks in a row.  The weather has been so overcast and cloudy and now it’s freezing.  The heat in my vehicle has a mind of it’s own.  The parking garage reeks of urine, and the leaves, wind and garbage have been beating me in the face nonstop.   Inside the prison walls of work it resembles a grade school playground with bullies, fights, and infantile behavior.  There’s eye rolling, rude comments, and short tempers.  On top of that fun I found out my health insurance is going up 21% thanks to the “Affordable Care Act”, which means I’m basically working for insurance and the gas money to get me back and forth to Babylon.  That’s not helping me love this job outside of the home any more.  With the time change and winter approaching the skies are dark before I even leave the office which breaks my heart and spirit.  I noticed when Tom texts me during the day over the last few months I’ve now made a habit of just sending him the gun emoji.  Gotta love me and my positive attitude right now! 

I’ve been on a count down for Thanksgiving since Labor Day.  Normally I would be petrified at the fact I will be forced to leave my house and carry on numerous conversations with a multitude of people for several hours on end but right now it is the lesser of two evils.  I’m actually looking forward to a time of family, friends, food and fuel for my soul because it is a short reprieve from Babylon! Four whole days of freedom!

I some how managed to leave the house to run errands twice during the unexpected blizzard snowfall on Saturday by myself.  I survived both our kids being home at the same time this weekend which I’m glad wasn’t planned so I didn’t waste time worrying about it beforehand.  I managed to venture out to the barn to check on the new kitty that is still evading me and see what the rest of my animals have been up to.  I spent much needed therapy time with the dogs and they helped me do dishes.  And luckily I didn’t screw up the noodles for the church Youth Group Thanksgiving dinner.  I even remembered to buy a birthday present and survived a family birthday party in someone else’s home where I am never ever, ever comfortable.  

Lucky for me my hubby has been picking up for my slack procrastinating ways and taking care of things for me.  I don’t give him enough credit for putting up with me.  He married a once extremely organized, task oriented person who now uses a cardboard box as her “filing system” for our business.  I forget things so much any more it is becoming apparent I have most likely inherited the Alzheimer’s gene.  Lately I can’t remember what things are actually called.  I referred to the dryer as a hamper a couple days ago.  We jokingly refer to it as my brain tumor.  We are sick, weird people, we know.  As I’m typing this I remember I started cooking on the stove several 20 minutes ago and forgot AGAIN to order new contacts for the 15 day in a row!!  It must feel awesome to have your crap together.  Personally I don’t know what that’s like but I bet it’s exhilarating.     

I have my own “system” for everything and luckily after ten years my hubby knows me, has adjusted to my procrastinating ways, my bad habits and my moods that swing like a pendulum and he handles them with ease.  (I know there’s less than 10 days to our most important tax appointment….I’ve got it under control, trust me ♥)    

 I keep telling myself I’m actually doing better than the last couple of years and then I look at these pictures.  I’m fully aware it’s almost 2016 and my calendar is still stuck on 2014 but this is only a fraction of the disheveled me. 

We I have six dogs, one new puppy, two goats, three cats, lots of chickens, a couple annoying roosters, four ducks, and six turkeys.  It’s resembles a zoo and a circus all at the same time most days.  With the colder temps we have all the dogs and one cat on a constant rotation going in and out of the house nonstop.  Most of the conversations I have with my husband on a daily basis consist of me grilling him about all my animals (mostly the dogs), their feed, their cuteness, their whereabouts, potty training, and things I he has to get done with them or for them before winter.  He knows their antics are my therapy and keeps me in the loop of all I miss while trapped in Babylon thank goodness.  He also takes it upon himself to clean up my animal messes in the barn when, let’s be honest…I’m probably not never going to get it done before Winter Spring.       

      

He puts up with my “seasons” of strengths and weaknesses as well as a bunch of other garbage that comes from living with me.  I have four seasons of cooking capabilities; under-cooked, burnt to a crisp, professional chef, or you are completely on your own.  My cooking seasons can last for months on end or change on a weekly daily basis.  I enjoy cooking but am distracted very easily while doing so…….crap, I’ve got food on the stove still!   My domestic goddess skills also consists of seasons.  I either keep up with the cleaning or we just don’t have people over.  Period.  Cleaning seasons go on weekly monthly spurts, okay, yearly spurts is more realistic.  

I am never a morning person.  I’m never going to be a morning person.  I say horrible things in the mornings.  “If you really cared you would make enough money so your wife wouldn’t have to work outside the home”.  Loving wife of the year folks, that’s me.  I’m sorry for what I say when I haven’t had coffee.

I prefer seclusion and staying off the grid so being an introvert with anxiety almost guarantees that I will say or do something idiotic when I’m out in public.  I’m the person who cries in the middle of a crowded restaurant, on the border of Mexico while on a mission trip, while my family pretends they aren’t trapped in a booth with a crazy lady.  Crowds scare me to the point I have to limit myself most days to a small number of places I’m willing to go in the same day.  Like three one.  I can barely make eye contact in public.  If you see me and are not a blood relative and stop me corner me for a casual conversation I become nervous, my eyes dart around like a caged animal and I will continually back up with my shopping cart in tow while searching for the nearest exit.  Depending on how long I’m cornered I may abandon my cart and all other errands on my list and just drive back home to safety.  I avoid shopping malls like the plague.  I try to avoid making plans.  If you make plans with me too far in advance I have plenty of time to come up with a multitude of excuses to use when backing out at the last minute (I have Ebola, I’m too busy doing nothing, my dogs begged me not to leave them, etc).  If you make plans with me after dark that requires me actually leaving the house AND driving by myself you should always have back up plans with someone else.

A small fraction of the dumb things I say:  

Me – Cows sure eat a lot of grass don’t they?  Husband – Um yeah, are you actually saying these words?

Me – I really want to go to New York and go to the Jimmy Fallon Show.  Husband – You can barely make it to Wal-Mart and back.

Me – I want to live in a Teepee.  Husband – Let’s get back to reality world, you have seven dogs.  Me – Oh yeah, I guess that would be a lot of poop & pee inside.   

After watching an episode of The Middle where the mom reschedules Thanksgiving for June 12th, I’m laughing at the absurdity of that happening in real life.  Me – Who would actually do that?  Husband – You, you would do that.  (insert appalled and shocked look from me) Husband – Do we need to go back to the year we didn’t have Christmas?  Me – Eh, good point, I am just like that.

Husband – Let’s go down to the basement and work on cleaning stuff out.  Me – I can’t, I have shin splints from walking in the wind.  Husband – It’s seriously one flight of stairs to get down there.  Me – I am crippled.

To my better half who is a permanent passenger on my crazy train…..thank you for everything you do for me and for putting up with me!  For being the light in my dark, disturbed little world.  For holding my hand in public when the fear inside me is screaming “I want to go home”.  For teaching me how to cook, use fabric softener and introducing me to politics and talk radio.  For letting your evenings be consumed by Grey’s Anatomy reruns, The Voice, and chatter about the Blake/Miranda/Gwen gossip.  For listening to my nonstop complaints about life in Babylon and all the girl drama.  For handling my procrastination and running my errands when we are up against a deadline I’ve forgotten yet again.  For getting the mass amounts of dog food that I hate having to lug around the store in heels or because I just CAN’T do it for anxiety reasons.  I could go on and on but promised to keep you out of my blog.  My bad when you see this lol.    

Thank you giving me the life I never imagined, where we can live like Jack and Sally, and be our true selves together whether it’s good, bad or ugly.

Thank you for the assurance of always knowing at the end of the day no one is going anywhere when it comes to our marriage.   

I’m forever thankful to have fallen in love with someone who enjoys (?) my madness and doesn’t force me to try and be “normal”.  

And as always as I procrastinated getting up on this work day, then spent too much time taking pictures and videos of my animals in the driveway, I’m grateful for the man who doesn’t even bat an eye when I say things like “oh…I didn’t do any chores yet today, sorry, not sorry” before I speed off late for work AGAIN.   

“And in the night we’ll wish this never ends, we’ll wish this never ends”

     

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